The government has today issued a decree informing all workers returning from party-island Ibiza to put some fucking clothes on.
After waves of returning workers landed across the UK and Ireland this week, dressed in tight luminous shorts, vests that cleverly read “Ibiza”, Nike Huaraches and empty bags of ket, the government finally just said “nah, c’mon enough, you’re not in fucking Ibiza anymore”.
“Get a grip,” read a government statement released by the Department of Cop The Fuck On. “Your summer is over, we don’t want to see your tan or full sleeve tattoos, you had plenty of time to show them off while vomiting into a bin in San Antonio or pretending to like the music when you were posing outside Bora Bora, you’re home in Birmingham now enough is enough.”
It is believed that the government plans to release the biggest frumpiest jumpers they can find and force any returning Ibiza workers to don them until next March.
“Look you’ll still get a chance to rattle on constantly about how you had the best experience of your life, lying in an unairconditioned apartment doing ket and listening to House Every Weekend fifteen times a day,” continued the government statement, getting quite specific now. “But you’re back at home now, throw on some jeans and a jumper and shiver along with the rest of us.”
