Groovefest has been nominated for this year’s Cunt of The Year Award after ruining ticket holders’ summers by cancelling the festival at the very last minute.
Groovefest broke the news to ticket holders late yesterday evening, a mere three days before the festival was due to start in the Dominican Republic, via a picture on Facebook, the equivalent of dumping your wife of twenty five years by messenger pigeon.
“We just couldn’t sell the tickets,” claimed shifty Groovefest spokesperson Nick Allsorts. “Normally, when tickets don’t sell promoters take a hit and lose money but here at Groovefest we’re a modern festival and we like to do things differently to everyone else so we decided it would be better, for us, if the people who bought the tickets take the hit on this one, that’s why we’ve decided not to issue any refunds, it’s modern thinking and shows that Groovefest is festival that likes to think outside the box.”
According to reports, Groovefest has also chosen not to honour any of the agreements put in place with artists or local businesses in the Dominican Republic, making them firm favourites to take this year’s Cunt of the Year award, which, up until now, has been won by Steve Aoki every years since it’s conception in 2011.
“I’m not sure that we’ll be able to win the award because we’re now longer operating as a company and have effectively ceased trading,” he revealed conveniently. “So if we owe you money, sorry, not sorry, that’s the way the cookie crumbles and as of now we’re officially eating some very crumbly cookies.”
“To be honest with you, we couldn’t even give refunds if we wanted to, which we don’t,” continued Mr Allsorts through a mouth that resembled a rat’s arsehole. “We put all the money on a plane to the Cayman Islands last week and it never arrived, probably fell into the Bermuda triangle or something.”
We asked a number of people who had bought tickets and flights to Groovefest for their opinion, unsurprisingly all of them said “Groovefest are fucking cunts!”.
If you have been affected by Groovefest’s cunty behaviour there is, unfortunately, very little you can do so you may as well make your way over to their Facebook page and let them know exactly how cuntish you think they are.
