It was the leak nobody wanted to see. An alleged sex tape of David “giggidy” Guetta has supposedly begun circulating the internet like a fly around an old pair of pants.
The tape, which is somewhat grainy and blurry, shows a well coiffed figure indulging in various acts of a depraved nature, some of which simply cannot be described as no words can do them justice.
In fact, new words would have to be invented to convey the sheer horror of the images that appear on screen, as the man who is supposedly Guetta romps around covered in body chocolate and L’Oreal conditioners, lathering them on every available surface, including the poor unfortunate girl he is with.
These new words which would need to be invented to describe the horror might sounds something like grotesquify, which is the process of distilling grotesqueness into its purest liquid form, and horrificious, which is horrible and vicious all wrapped up in a disgusting little package.
The tape was accidently obtained during a raid by a 4Chan member on cloud storage which also saw pictures of such famous people as Jennifer Lawrence being leaked. However, the hacker insists that the leak of the Guetta tape was a mistake. A big mistake.
“Why the fuck would I want to see that hairy flapjack dancing around in a pre-recorded sex scene? I had a big breakfast this morning and haven’t been able to keep it down because of the horrifcious things I’ve seen. It grotesquified my day.”
At one point in the video, Guetta stops what he’s doing and stares at the camera for a good thirty seconds, which is reminiscent of the video of him from Ultra 2014 where he stares like a rabid dog for no reason at all, other than, perhaps, the dawning realisation that his career is all for nothing in the grand cosmic scheme of things.
Allegations that the pre-recorded sex tape contains a stand-in, and not Guetta himself are still being debated. Some critics cite the man in the video’s obvious ability with the record player, when at 3 minutes 32 seconds into the video he cues up a Barry White record, as proof that it couldn’t possibly be Guetta himself.
