The dance music community will be rejoicing today at the announcement that one of its trusted genres, “hardcore”, will take its place in the Royal House Music Hall of Fame.
The news, which was written in multi-coloured lasers and blasted onto the front of Buckingham Palace was greeted with “Massif Respect” by the two-stepping faithful.
Suspicions that hardcore could be etched into history became rife when Prince Charles was seen walking out of a record shop down in Bristol smoking blunts and carrying a Fusion record bag.
Charles’s attire was reportedly much more liberal than usual as he stepped out in Fila high-tops, grey flanneled joggers, and a Hypercolor tee with “gangsta for life” plastered across the front in gold leaf.
Daz Power (long time herbalist and owner of Old Plastic Records in Bristol), told us that “Charlie” had been into his shop earlier that day.
“He came and I was like hey it’s Price Charles,” he explained. “He fist bumped me and said call me Big C. Next thing he’s asking if I’ve got any “wax” by Ratpack for something he wanted to pitch to his mum. Turns out he’s been bang into hardcore since the 1990’s and his addiction to uncut wiz, and glow sticks were the reason his marriage to Diana went tits up. He said that he didn’t want hardcore to die like his missus did, so was going to sort it.”
It is understood that to commemorate and preserve hardcore a solid Gold Baseball Cap will be erected outside every sports hall in the UK with the accompanying plaque reading: “What’s ya name; where you from; what you on?”
Sports Halls have long been the mecca for eager promoters who need the space to cheaply accommodate 1000 or so hardcore DJs on their line ups.
Reaction to the news has been flooding the millions of Oldskool House Music groups on social media.
DJ Si-Kick from Winchester – “We needed this. We’ve been blowing our whistle for years now and we can keep blowing em for ever and ever.”
DJ Mal/S from Eton – “I’ve been two stepping so hard for 20 years that my feet are falling off. This makes it all worthwhile. I’m a fuckin’ hardcore Raver.”
MC BoyZe from Portsmouth – “Rush Rush Coming on.”
At the time of going to press, Mary Berry (Great British Bake off Hash cake connoisseur), is allegedly campaigning for Acid House to be added to the National Music curriculum for all comprehensive schools.
“Suspicions that hardcore could be etched into history became rife when Prince Charles was seen walking out of a record shop down in Bristol smoking blunts and carrying a Fusion record bag.”
that’s where i stopped and pissed myself from the laughing