International trade unions have today announced that having diarrhea will no longer be a valid excuse for missing work on Mondays due to the number of people purposely using the illness to embarrass and guilt their employers into the day off after particularly heavy weekends of alcohol and drug use.
The news comes after a record number of cases of the condition were reported to employers on Monday 3 February 2014 – the day after the Superbowl – despite no rise in the amount of cases reported to doctors or any increase in the sales of anti-diarrhea treatments.
Mike Spangler, a spokesperson for American labor unions spoke about the recent announcement, ” We were approached by a number of employers after the Superbowl who were concerned about the number of people calling in sick with diarrhea.”
“The Monday after Superbowl Sunday is always going to be a bad day for people not making it into work, employers kind of expect their staff to take the piss, or in this case the watery shit, on that particular day but, realistically, if all those people had of been sick with diarrhea we would have seen a massive tidal wave of human shit released into the sewers,” explained Mr. Spangler, “much like the tidal wave of shit that was released shortly after EDM became popular.”
“It wasn’t just that particular Monday either, there has been a constant increase in the number of cases of diarrhea reported on Mondays over the last two decades,” he continued. “We’ve also seen a rise in the number of cases of man/woman problems like periods or man-flu (slight sniffle) on Mondays, and it is believed similar action will soon be taken against these.”
“It seems that people believe that diarrhea is the one illness that can be both short term and random enough to result in a single day off and, without being asked to physically bring a bag of shit to your work place, it is extremely hard to question the validity of these claims,” claimed Mr. Spangler. “So it has been the perfect crime up until now.”
Steven Tisdale, a user of the diarrhea excuse, explained why it’s so effective, “I really love playing the diarrhea card, nobody’s going to question that, they’d be far to embarrassed to be drawn into a conversation about the shits.”
“It’s not only effective for work either I use it all the time,” claimed Tisdale. “‘You’re late with your child support.’ Diarrhea. ‘Can you pick your mother up from the hospital?’ Diarrhea. ‘You didn’t turn up for our wedding.’ Diarrhea. It can literally get you out of anything.”
