Hipster Pokes Out Own Eye With Sharp Edge Of Curled Moustache
A London hipster with an elaborately curled moustache has poked his own eye out in a bizarre dancing accident.
The incident happened late yesterday evening in XOYO cocktail bar after hipster, Mitch Diamond, become “overly excited” after hearing a previously unheard song. Mr. Diamond is believed to have been vigorously thrashing his head when the pointed end of his moustache pierced his eye.
“The music guy was playing some totes awesome wax on the gramophone,” claimed close friend Artichoke Knucklegrub. “He announced that he was going to play a brand new song that nobody had ever heard and Mitch totally just lost the run of himself, priding himself as much as he does on the freshest, most unheard of music.”
“New stuff is his favourite genre, it doesn’t even matter if it’s good or not, just knowing that not many people have heard it really gets him excited,” Continued Ms. Knucklegrub. “He usually goes off stuff pretty quickly too, unless it’s really rubbish and not many people listen to it, he loves all that stuff.”
“When the song came on he started jumping around like an absolute lunatic,” continued Artichoke, who was dressed like a cross between Rosie, from popular canal based kids TV show Rosie and Jim, and an Edwardian prostitute. “He was really out of control, jumping around and head banging, at one point the hairband nearly came off his top knot.”
“I tried to stop him because everyone knows it’s not safe for a hipster to dance in any way deemed more vigorous than a gentle sway or shuffle,” claimed Ms. Knucklegrub, fighting back tears behind steamed up non prescription glasses, “but it was too late, he tried to pull off a dance move that was way out of his league and his moustache stabbed him in the eye. It was horrible, there was some kind of icky eye juice everywhere.”
The victim was then rushed to Moorfields Eye Hospital where surgeons battled in vain for five hours to save the damaged eye, which one surgeon likened to a “squashed grape”.
Mr. Diamond is believed to be in good spirits in the hospital where he has claimed that he “may have lost an eye but now [he] gets to wear an eye patch, and apart from pirates and Gabriele not that many people wear them so at least that’s something”.
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