A drunken tramp has become the toast of London Fashion Week after being confused with a tattooed and bearded hipster model by fashionistas.
“At first, when I saw the bottle of White Lightning in his hand and the track marks down his arm, I thought that he was a Pete Doherty impersonator,” claimed one fashion student, Des’rhei, real name Debbie. “When he got his dick out and pissed on the red carpet all of our jaws just dropped at the audacity of that and immediately handed over the 50p he repeatedly asked for.”
“Never in all my years of coming to fashion week have I seen a model make a more memorable entrance,” she added. “As soon as he shooed away the dogs that were following him I signed him up as the perfect face for a new range of organic adult nappies.”
Des’rhei was just one of many attendees of fashion week who described the homeless man’s outfit of plastic bag shoes and coat/sleeping bag as “daring yet bespoke”.
“Of all the outfits I saw this week, this was the rawest, I don’t know who the model is but I’d love to have him work on my Spring collection,” claimed self-styled leggings innovator, Marissa Cantwell, a student at London’s School of Fashion. “His commitment to the scruffy, improvised style of hipsterism is so commendable.”
“Everyone else looks like they’re trying so hard to achieve that grimy, I pissed myself in a park look, but he just nails it effortlessly,” continued Marissa, who claims the top choice on her bucket list is to do everything they do on HBO’s Girls by the time she’s “old and like 30”.
“His look is really sexy, if I wasn’t currently experimenting with a lesbian relationship then I’d totally let him fuck my mouth.”
When asked about his veneration as a model the tramp, named locally as Mad Mick, reportedly smiled a toothless grin, took a swig from a bottle of supermarket cider, belched and then angrily mumbled something about aliens stealing his skin except without once using vowels.
Mick is now signed up to Elite Modelling Agency where he will front a campaign that encourages the abandonment of plates as an acceptable surface from which to eat food in favour of roof slates and can be found at the Instagram @HauboCouture.
