Having to visit grandparents, regardless of how sprightly they are or how much you profess to love them, is always going to be something of a chore. No-one particularly likes feigning interest in stories about gardening or having to listen to a detailed recounting of the social intrigue and politics of a twice weekly bingo club. The suicide inducing boredom of visiting grandparents is compounded by having to listen to the musical equivalent of a mug tree – boring, functional and not entirely necessary. One way to brighten up a visit to your granny or granddad is to try and spice up the few years they have left by sharing your musical interests with them, namely getting them to listen to music that you want to listen to. The rewards of getting your grandparents to listen to techno are numerous and work both ways…
Spike them! What quicker way to jump start your octogenarian forebear than by throwing a cheeky pill down their gobs. Thankfully most grandparents are taking potentially lethal cocktail of drugs daily as they attempt to fend off multiple organ failure so it should be easy for you to slip some ecstasy into the bunch. If they suspect you’re up to mischief and refuse to take their medicine then simply threaten to put them into a home or switch off Antiques Roadshow.
Do some Pavlovian conditioning! Each time you put some banging beats onto the stereo treat your grandparent with a bonbon or a Werther’s Original. They’ll eventually associate techno with butterscotch sweets so that each time you give them a sweet they’ll involuntarily salivate for some hard industrial face melting techno. You can also use the same technique to make them give you cash – somebody’s got to benefit from their senility haven’t they?
Explain the health benefits. Techno, as well as most forms of dance music, encourages the listener to dance. *Well duh, it’s not called ‘listen-pensively-whilst-sitting-comfortably music.’ Simply explain the cardiovascular benefits of listening to techno and your health, or rather death, conscious grandparent will be compelled to listen for the exercise. Don’t be afraid to be liberal and exaggerate the health benefits as most grandparents are bemused and frightened of computers so they probably won’t be able to figure out that techno doesn’t actually cure arthritis or fight ageing.
