How To….Not Fuck Up A Job Interview

With the current economic climate jobs are becoming a rare commodity and the interview is now an extremely competitive playing field. With this in mind we decided to give you some tips to ensure your interview doesn’t go down like Tulisa Contostavlos at a back stage dance rehearsal. Here’s some advice on How To….Not Fuck Up A Job Interview.

The first and probably most important thing is that you show up on time. For some reason these business types pay a lot of attention to presence and punctuation. So if you meet a friend on your way to the interview it’s probably best that you don’t go for a quick drink or two. While a bit of Dutch courage may seem like a good idea, showing up three hours late with your tie tied around your head and drunker than Lindsey Lohan at 11 am on a Tuesday, probably does not.

Making a good first impression is obviously very important in any job interview. Your appearance could be what separates you from the other candidates so even though it’s not a funeral, wedding or court appearance it’s probably a good idea to iron your suit. Also if you have a tendency to have a nervous piss before interviews, take extra care to make sure you put your winkle back in its cage, otherwise it could be a very embarrassing hand shake, for all parties concerned.

Having a good rapport with the interviewer is always a good sign in an interview, if they think they can get on with you on a personal level it makes you a lot more hireable. No matter how well you think it’s going do not crack any jokes, it’s too early for that, particularly if, like me, all of your jokes involve dicks, farts and sadomasochism. Eye contact is also very important while building a rapport with your interviewer. It will show you are confident and see yourself as their equal, so no matter how low cut the poor man’s Helen Mirren interviewing you’s blouse is, try not to stare at her cleavage the whole time.

Honesty is the best policy……my bollox it is. While you don’t necessarily have to lie, you don’t always have to tell the truth. For example if you’re asked what you like to do at the weekends, you’re probably better off not mentioning the crippling drug habit that has you searching for such menial employment. Or if you’re asked about your hobbies or interests avoid mentioning the rape fantasies and foot fetishes that will take up seventy percent of you working day if your application is successful.