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Ibiza Drug Gangs Now Recruiting Summer Staff

Ibiza Drug Gangs Now Recruiting Summer Staff

Enterprising Ibiza drug gangs have announced ambitious plans to stage a massive recruitment drive across major European cities this spring in a bid to bolster staff numbers for what’s expected to be one of the busiest summer seasons the white isle has had.

Plans are underway for the drug gangs to host recruitment days in London, Paris, Berlin, Madrid and Dublin, where they’ll showcase a glamorous recruitment video and brochure detailing the positions on offer which range from “motivated on street salesperson, security personnel, merchandise carrier and shipper”, as well as a host of other administrative positions in the company.

“The potential for top earnings and rapid progression is incredibly high and would perfectly suit young people between the ages of 18-35 who have a prior experience within clubbing and drug culture,” claimed drug gang spokesperson Jorge Baresci. “We do however have positions available for people with no previous experience of the exciting and fast paced drug industry.”

Jorge claimed that the parent company, Ibiza Drug Gang Inc., is an equal opportunities employer and is actively looking for a diversified workforce “who can communicate effectively with potential customers in a high impact on street sales positions, operate in exotic international locations as a merchandise carrier and fend  off rival competitors using the most modern business tactics”.

“We’re a thriving multinational corporation who expect to grow again in the coming season so the need to train a highly motivated, committed and gullible workforce is paramount,” added Jorge.

“The two main roles we’re recruiting for are – our motivated on-street salespeople, or lucky lucky man to use some in-house technical speak, and our merchandise shippers or mules,” explained Jorge. “Both are challenging roles within the company as they demand a high level of interpersonal skills, numeracy, customer service knowledge and the ability to remain calm under pressure.”

“For the merchandise carrier job in particular all of the previously mentioned skills will be required as well as the ability to ignore your gag reflex as it helps facilitate effective transport of merchandise across international borders. Mules can expect to earn up to $5000 per kilo but there’s also a lot of money to be made through sales.”

The news of the recruitment drive has been greeted with enthusiasm by politicians from some of the various countries hosting the recruitment events. Irish Tanaiste Eamon Gilmore claimed, “we’ve got a tremendously talented young workforce that would be perfectly suited for jobs outside of Ireland and off of the live unemployment register. It’s something we’ll actively encourage our highly educated young people to pursue, because frankly all they’re doing here is sitting around watching telly anyway.”

British Prime Minister David Cameron also greeted the recruitment news with enthusiasm claiming that “these ruthless and callous drug barons are committed Thatcherites and what they’re doing is showing exactly the sort of entrepreneurial spirit that our young people should be following as an example.”

UKIP leader, and notorious Eurosceptic, Nigel Farage surprised everyone by getting behind the scheme saying that he hoped Brits would “go over there and take their jobs” because at least then they wouldn’t be “sponging off the state and getting gay married”.

Young people were guardedly optimistic about the possibility of working in Ibiza, with one out of work mechanic claiming “it’s seasonal work innit, but the money seems great and I could do with a quick boost of cash to go be a sex tourist in Thailand.”

“I’d love to work in such an exciting industry but I don’t think I’ll get it,” he continued, “the drug trade is such a competitive and ruthless market place and I’ve only ever really worked on cars or manned the phones in my local chip shop, but I have sold the odd brick of weed so fingers crossed that the experience will stand to me.”

To attend one of the recruitment events, set to be held in early March, call the Ibiza Drug Gang Inc. on 555-0134 or visit the website

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