20-year-old design student, Kevin Allen, has tonight made the decision to come out even though he wasn’t feeling up for it by making the promise that he’d come out but he wasn’t drinking.
“I’ll come out but I’m not drinking,” lied Kevin to friends who wanted to cajole him away from his studies for a night of cheap drink and fingerbanging. “I have loads on so I’ll come for an hour only cause there’s a table quiz first but I’m staying on the Diet Cokes.”
Friends of Kevin’s claim that he makes this sort of aspirational but impossible plan to stay sober on a night out but always crumbles within the second hour, after the initial novelty of being out wears off and he gets bored just sitting at a table talking to his mates without a laptop or anything to look at.
“People around him are getting drunk about hour two and he either sees the fun they’re having and makes the concession to have just one,” explained Kevin’s friend Michael. “Or he’ll see a girl he likes and, being a repressed white British man, will need to have a few drinks before he musters up the courage to actually speak to her.”
Studies show that the claim of coming out but not drinking is oft made by those who actually do want to go out but are just hoping to have their arm bent because they both crave attention and do actually want to drink.
“It’s perhaps one of the most popular unkept promises the world has ever known, worse even than Hitler’s promise not to invade Russia or any pre-election promise made by any government ever,” claimed Michael. “Nobody who has ever said ‘I’m coming out but not drinking’ has stuck to it in the history of student nights.”
