“I’m Bringing PCP Into The Jungle” – Craig Charles

Renowned funk midget and reformed Corrie crackhead, Craig Charles, has declared his intention to smoke piss-curdling quantities of hallucinogenic drug-from-hell PCP during this year’s series of I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here.

The show will feature ten former members of society engaging in increasingly masochistic trials to win the respect of feckless ITV viewers, a format which has been likened to “shitting with the cubicle door ajar in an Irish pub”.

Charles said: “For some reason people in the UK don’t see the point in taking a drug that makes you want to peel your own eyes, so I had to import it from the States. They get it over there, it’s a cultural thing.”

Although Kendra Wilkinson is understood to be an enthusiastic user of legal highs, other contestants expressed apprehension about spending time with Charles as he descends into babbling narcomania.

Former grime MC turned beat-molester Tinchy ‘Stryder’ said: “They told me at the Illuminati induction day that the orgy with the Chuckle Brothers at a leisure centre in Huddersfield was the last properly eerie thing I’d have to see.”

Essex’s answer to Benefit Street‘s White Dee – Gemma Collins – is unperturbed by the possibility of being sacrificed in a ritualistic frenzy, however.

“I’m here to challenge myself and I’m not going home until I’m the biggest thing in Television. All I’ve got to say is: move over Dawn French, there’s a new national treasure on the block – and she’s pretty fucking bubbly.”

Overseeing this jungle-themed, Islamic State propaganda film are Geordie twat-magnets ‘Ant ‘n’ Dec’, who use the show’s contestants to remind themselves how much worse their pitiful careers could be.

One of them said: “Forcing out hollow cackles in an attempt to conceal my utter contempt for human life, while lesser celebs chew live animals as if it’s just a bit of fun, is the only way to dilute the sense of creeping dread I wake up with each morning.

“That, and snorting fistfuls of high-purity cocaine.”

Responding to allegations of irresponsibility, Charles said: “Even if I end up sharpening my nails into claws and carving Coldplay lyrics into my own navel, let’s face it, it won’t be as unsettling as when Michael Buerke inevitably takes his trousers off and starts shouting about Rolf Harris being a very nice man.

“There is a line, you know.”