So it seems that even before the show has begun, one celebrity is shouting, “Get me out of here!” However, surprisingly, it isn’t one of the fame-starved contestants, but rather one of the presenters.
In a sensational move announced today, Ant (of Ant and Dec fame, pictured above in happier times) will quit the duo to pursue a career as a DJ. In a statement issued by Ant’s PR company, he says “I’ve always wanted to be a DJ rather than a TV presenter but the money was so good that I got stuck in a rut and never pursued my dream,” he claimed. “It’s just so easy taking money for making housewives laugh by being cloyingly inoffensive but, naturally, that leaves you dead inside.”
“I think the time has come to make the move. It is with much regret that I end my partnership with Dec, but it’s what I’ve always wanted,” continued Ant, real name Anthony McPartland. “It’s funny, we were actually originally called DJ and Duncan, however it was changed due to it being too alliterative for the types of television audiences that we appeal to. Namely, middle-aged women, the working class and thick people. Or ITV viewers as they’re otherwise known.”
When asked if he thought it a wise move to leave a career where he’s grudgingly tolerated by millions, he said, “Well there’s a precedent set for this kind of career change. It worked for Craig Charles,” to which the interviewer replied, “Did it?”
His presenting partner, and erstwhile lover, Dec, real name Declan Donnelly, responded hastily saying, “He’s ruining a partnership of nearly thirty years. It doesn’t work without him. I’m devastated. A husk of my former self. It’s no secret that I cried into my pillow the night he broke the news to me,” wept Dec. “And I don’t care if my crying kept him up, he could have slept on the couch.”
Some critics have stated that Dec is merely upset at the choice of his former partner’s new stage name, “Ant On Decks,” as it both plagiarises their popular moniker and alludes to their preferred sexual position. Nefarious PR slut and social incubus, Max Clifford, was reported as saying, “It’s not a good image,” whilst simultaneously handing out badly photo-shopped copies of that exact image.
When Mr. Donnelly was asked if he would continue to present “I’m a Celebrity”, he said he would, but under the stage name “And Dec”. He continued, “The true fans will stick by me. They came for the inoffensive humour, cheeky grins and feigned interest in whatever it was we were presenting. Unless Ant is going to be spinning audiobooks of Michael McIntyre’s stand up ‘comedy’ then he can’t satisfy those cravings for the true fans.”
