A young woman is reportedly delighted and “feels like Jennifer Lawrence” after she discovered her brother’s friend “jerking profusely” to her Facebook pictures taken while she was on holiday this summer.
Jess Simmons, a 26 year old student from Birmingham, reportedly caught her brother’s friend masturbating to her Facebook photos which she claims was one of the most invasive moments of her life and gave her a brief taste of what it’d be like “to be a proper real celebrity”.
“It was a disgusting invasion of privacy,” claimed Jess. “When my brother told me that his friend had wanked about my pic on Facebook I felt exactly how J-Law must have felt, and immediately blamed myself for not putting more photos on Facebook sooner.”
“I was furious when I found out so naturally I confronted him and demanded that he stop treating my body like an object,” she continued, “or else work out some way to pay me for the right through an online pay site that I’m in the process of setting up.”
Jess claims she always thought wasting her dwindling money on expensive treatments, clothes and holidays would let her live vicariously as a celebrity but is pleased to discover that “all it takes is a few blokes wanking over your pictures” to validate your existence.
The young Heat magazine brainwashed student says that she has been vying for fame ever since she could ovulate and has applied to X-Factor, Britain’s Got Talent and gotten a boob job all in pursuit of her dream of being famous like her heroes, “Jade Goody, Katie Price and the bloke off the Halifax adverts”.
“Jennifer Lawrence gets wanked about by random blokes off 4chan = famous. I get wanked off about by random blokes on Facebook and off my road = same thing, famous!” declared Jess who has begun uploading naked photos of herself onto the cloud from her iPhone in the hope that “some pervy fucker will put them online and I’ll be spotted”.
“I haven’t been approached by an agent yet,” claimed a confident Jess, “but it’s only a matter of time before one of them spots me on the internet, finishes himself off, does up his trousers and gives me a call.”
“If I don’t hear anything in the first few months then I’ll probably do a sex tape with a local mildly famous DJ or footballer,” she added.
Although Jess feels she’s living the glamorous life of a celebrity by being the wank fantasy of men with crusty socks, her friends feel that this career path is exploitative to women and gender biased.
“It’s horribly exploitative and not to mention sexist,” claimed Jess’s friend Alex. “There’s a massive gender disparity in online masturbation that completely excludes men from being the object of desire.”
“Women aren’t pulling their weight in the wanking stakes,” he added. “They’re letting the blokes do all the wanking and meanwhile us guys want to be wanked about but women are too selfish to have the requisite filthy mind and shame to get themselves off to private images of people who don’t know they’re being wanked about.”
