In a strange turn of events, ISIS, the world’s fourth biggest terrorist organisation, behind the American armed forces, the American police force and the American government, have announced that they are to rebrand as a monthly club night.
According to sources within the organisation, they no longer feel the need to cause panic and terror around the globe as “the world is now fucked enough” without their help.
“Our mandate has always been to destroy western democracy, divide the opinion of the world’s population and reintroduce misogynist values into everyday society,” explained Ali, a spokesperson for ISIS. “Since late last year, shortly after Donald Trump was elected President of America, it became clear that we were no longer needed to achieve our objectives, they were all happening by themselves.”
“It’s a great relief to most of us,” continued our source. “Who wants to spend their time causing fear and panic? You’d have to be a real psychopath to get a buzz from that. Since the beginning of the new year, our leaders have been plotting a new path for ISIS and we are pleased to announce that our organisation will now be dedicated to helping the underground music scene in the Middle East grow.”
“We’re completely renovating our headquarters to look more like a nightclub than a military operations base and we’ll be hosting the first of our monthly club nights there early next month,” he revealed. “If all goes well, we’ll be hoping to run parties every two weeks, maybe even weekly. Who knows? Someday, if we really blow up, we might even bring the brand to Ibiza and get a residency in one of the superclubs.”
So far, the lineup for the inaugural ISIS party has yet to be named, although, it is rumoured that the DJ will play a number of “absolute weapons” and drop some “major bombs” during their set.