In beard related news, a Shoreditch based barber has confirmed that one of his hipster clients is now more beard than man.
Andrew Brush, owner of Brush ‘n’ Kutz, the only barber in Britain that offers green tea served in a hot water bottle, was shocked to discover that his customer’s beard had spread to other parts of his body during a cut early yesterday afternoon.
“I’ve never seen anything like this before and I’ve seen all sorts of crazy shit sitting in front of me in this chair,” explained Brush during a chat with Wunderground earlier today. “I’ve been cutting this lad’s hair for the last couple of years, he’s in about twice a month to get his hair and beard tidied.”
“I’d noticed that the beard was getting a bit out of hand recently, I suggested taking a bit off the end of it but he was having none of it, you’ve got to give the customers what they want, even if does make them look like complete bellends,” continued the barber. “He’s always been a bit gormless too but recently he’s seemed different, like totally vacant, almost as if there’s nothing going on behind the beard at all.”
“Then, yesterday he came in and sat in the chair without saying a word, it seemed a bit weird, but then he is a total cunt so I just went over and started brushing his hair,” he told us. “That’s when I noticed that his entire head was all beard, then I looked at his neck and his shoulders, they were all beard and all, he’s let it get so out of control that it’s spread all over his body.”
“I’d don’t just mean that they had hair growing on them either, they were actually beard,” he claimed. “You hear about flesh eating beards when you’re in barber school but they always seemed like an urban myth, someone would say ‘my mum’s cousin’s neighbour’s brother had a barber who seen a flesh eating beard’ or something like that but you never really believe it but now I’ve seen it with my own eye. I couldn’t bring myself to look beyond his shoulders but you could tell he was definitely more beard than man.”
According to doctors, if treated on time, the effects of the flesh eating beard can be reversed and efforts have been stepped up to find the man/beard by following a large trail of “lavender beard oil” around the Shoreditch area.