Intelligence reports from America indicate that ISIS suicide bombers are refusing to target American music festivals due to “shitty music”.
According to the reports, a number of terrorist attacks targetting “high profile” American music festivals this summer have been cancelled after the jihadist suicide bombers refused to attend the events.
Reformed suicide bomber Ali Mustafa spoke to Wunderground, “I came to America as a suicide bomber back in 2011. I thought I really hated the west but when I got here, and seen your women and sampled your whiskey, I realised that it wasn’t actually so bad. Who’d of thought life could get better than living in a desert, with no entertainment apart from praying? It’s a funny old world.”
“There are more and more bombers like me coming over and changing their ways,” claimed Ali. “They get sent over here and they’re told to go and bomb Electric Daisy Carnival or Ultra or some shit like that but they refuse to do it because nobody wants to be seen at one of those festivals and then they’re left with nothing to do except embrace, and eventually fall in love with, western culture.”
“I know at least four other guys who came over here as suicide bombers but gave it all up after being sent to blow up an EDM festival,” continued the former terrorist, who now works in Starbucks. “Now they’re all fully functioning members of society. One of them is even considering getting into local politics. I wouldn’t be surprised if he gets elected either. If Trump can do it, there’s no reason why a suicide bomber can’t.”
According to the EDM Grandmaster, David Guetta, ISIS suicide bombers have a “pretty crappy” opinion of music and should be happy to target EDM events.
“I don’t care what those guys say, the music we play at these festivals is really great,” claimed Guetta. “If they don’t like it then that’s their tough luck, they probably go home and listen to camels playing the guitar or something stupid like that. In a weird way, them not liking our music is saving people’s lives so I guess you could say that EDM is saving the world.”
