News emerging from the Middle East today suggests that the Islamic State has adopted Darude’s timeless dance floor destroyer, Sandstorm, as their new national anthem.
The decision was made at this week’s “1st Annual ISIS Christmas Blowout” where senior members of the organisation met to celebrate various aspects of western culture.
“Here at ISIS we’re big fans of Darude’s Sandstorm, the idea of a storm in the desert is really how we want to be portrayed in the west,” explained Islamic State spokesperson Al Mafazwa, known to his friends as Faz. “But the reality of it is we’re more of a storm in a teacup.”
“It’s such a powerful song, an absolute weapon. I really like that bit at the start where it goes ‘da dada da doo da dada da’ and then it kicks in with the ‘dedededededdddededededede’. Fucking brilliant man.”
“Despite what we say online, we really love everything about the west,” continued Faz, who claims to be a massive fan of kittens. “Especially the TV show Friends, it’s so good. I wanted to open a coffee shop called Central Perk in downtown Damascus but we have this image that we have to keep up so I called it Wa-Alaikum Inn instead.”
“There’s just no good TV made over here, especially since Jihadi John was killed,” claimed the hooded soldier. “He had a show on ISIS TV called Lunch Time With The Lads, it was a lot like your Loose Women. Obviously we can’t put women on the TV over here so instead of talking about things like tampons and cakes they talked about the best way to behead someone or making homemade explosive vests. It was very topical but unfortunately it’s gone now. So we’ll just keep watching our Friends VHS for the time being.”
According to unconfirmed reports, Sandstorm beat off stiff competition from Public Enemy’s Louder Than a Bomb, Lesley Gore’s Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows, Friends theme tune I’ll Be There For You and the “music from the Go Compare ad” to be named the world’s newest national anthem.
