It has been revealed that Jackmaster, Eats Everything, Skream and Seth Troxler are to be put into a safe house facility ahead of the Easter break due to serious threats being made against them.
Collectively known as J.E.S.u.S, the internationally renowned house and techno DJ’s have been on the receiving end of surreal death threats which are reportedly coming from some very unhappy and highly confused romans.
“They think we are the second coming of Jesus Christ” said Skream. “They saw J.E.S.u.S listed as playing a special Easter Sunday set and decided they needed to put a stop to it. Apparently they are sailing to London this weekend to nail us to a cross. Surely it would be in their interest to crucify those EDM DJ’s who walk around thinking they are God, rather than us because of a confusion over names.”
Wundergorund managed to catch up with Eats Everything, real name Daniel Pearce, to find out his views on the incident “Some weird dude calling himself Judas tweeted me telling me to enjoy my supper as it is the last one I will ever have” said Daniel. “What a prick. If he thinks I only have one meal left in me, he can jog the fuck on. No cunt tells me what I can and can’t eat, even if he does intend on killing me.”
It is believed that the DJ’s, unhappy with being put into hiding against their will, have made some wild demands as to what they want for their four day stint in the safe house, which includes four CDJ’s, two laptops, a Funktion One sound system, seventy two grams of ketamine, eighteen bottles of Dr Pepper, eight hundred Easter eggs, Monopoly, three dildo’s, a pet snake, two life size Donald Trump blow up dolls, a Girls Aloud album, a kilogram of lard and a box of matches.
Local Police authorities have released their official statement “Threats like these must be taken seriously. For the safety of all four DJ’s, all of their bookings across the Easter bank holiday have been cancelled and they will remain in protective custody until Tuesday at the very earliest. If anybody sees a group of men in old fashioned war armour, purchasing large quantities of timber or preaching shit about Jesus Christ, please contact us immediately.”
