Internationally renowned DJ John Digweed made a statement through his PR company today that due to a horrendous four hour experience on the dreaded “Mary Jane”, he would be changing his name.
His lawyer said that John had been attending a party with friends in Islington, London when the incident occured. John related the story through a statement read by his lawyers,
“We arrived and things were going fine until this absolute dodgeball comes up to me and offers me something to smoke. I hadn’t tried it in years, but I used to be mad for it. Back in the 90’s, everything that you could have large, I was having large. Then they went and super-sized things, and it was just too much for a man in his thirties.”
“The dodge kept going on about how it was “Mongolian Brown” or “Magnolia Black” or something,” continued the statement. “He said it was responsible for over forty known cases of people thinking they could DJ, most of which ended in tragedy. I thought he was just hyping the shit out of it, so I went along with it. He said it was the only weed in the world you could overdose on. I said, ‘That sounds like a challenge,’ playing up to what I thought was obvious bravado. At this point he looked me gravely in the eye and said, ‘You’re dealing with forces beyond your comprehension here, mate.'”
“It took me aback for a moment, but I guessed it must be really good shit if he’s talking like that, so I said I’d take a quarter. He told me he didn’t do quarters, he just did ‘Flounces’. I had no idea what he was on about. He explained, ‘I deal in fluid ounces of this shit, it comes in liquid form, I get by the dram from Micronesia.’ So I was like, fine, one Flounce of Mongolian Brown then. He threw me a small dram of the shit and shifted off to some other potential victim. It was at this point we lit up the marijuana. And inhaled. And shit got serious.”
John related his horrendous four hour ordeal in great detail to us here at Wunderground, describing a case of “chronic munchies” which lead ultimately to him eating over one kilo of chocolate brownies, his body weight in cheap crisps and a small cactus he found at the party,”when all the other food had ran out.”
He went on to tearfully describe the horrific moment when he realised he had lost his keys, “We need to stop these tragedies from occurring for the next generation,” he said. “Never forget.”
Mr. Digweed has started a campaign against Mongolian Brown, which quickly gathered the support of right wing groups, who misunderstood what the group stood for. After Mr. Digweed further clarified the ethos of the group, saying it was purely an organisation to promote an anti-drugs message, he managed to re-gather the support of those same right right wing groups.
His lawyers have stated that he will be changing his name by deed poll this week to John D. Digweed, with the D standing for ‘Doesn’t’. His lawyer had suggested “John Dugweed”, but Mr. Digweed himself wishes to change his current middle name, which is “Safety” which he had changed from “Danger” at the end of the 90’s to mark a change in attitude.
I hardly say changing your middle name constitutes of a name change. Ive never referenced your middle name. I like your lawyer’s idea is ingenious..