Wearing Scanda jackets to prove their nails-hard savageness and backing up their boasts of fisticuffs with energetic hash smoking, local Tallaght scumpigs John ‘Johnner’ Mc Donagh and Mark ‘Madzer’ O’Brien double dropped eight rounds of aspirin and consumed an estimated half litre of Cidona before stealing a shit coloured Fiat Punto from Sundale estate in the early hours of Sunday morning.
It is believed the young men had intended on picking up some “sour smelling sluts” from a nearby house party, but their drug fueled pleasure cruise came to an horrific end when the illiterate petrol sniffers got their vehicle inexplicably wedged in a residential letterbox.
Trapped for three quarters of an hour with no food and minimal carbonated soft drinks, the Joyriders became so terrified that they began to “energetically reef the flutes off each other in a blind panic,” according to a local Gardai spokesman.
“After underestimating their drug-heightened strength and syncing their wrist jerking to the beats-per-minute of a Scooter Greatest Hits CD, the two men literally pulled the dicks off each other sometime before midday on Monday morning.”
Attending physicians at Tallaght hospital say the lack of penis attachment subsequently led to complications that caused both men to bleed to death.
Local residents have confirmed that the two men were indeed “scaldy dirts” while Gardai are adamant that “not being alive was definitely the best thing for them”.
The stolen car has since been returned to its owner.
WORDS: Keith Jordan
