The 2016 Droolympics has taken place, with a local ket-head replacing a seventeen year old Saint Bernard as the world’s worst drooler, making him the first human to take gold medal in this event.
“I’m absolutely delighted to bring home the gold,” claimed part-time gamer and full time deep-house raver Sammy Dingwell. “The competition was fierce and that Saint Bernard was a tough dog to beat but I knew if I trained hard enough, dedicated enough time and done a bump bigger than my fist, I’d be in with a shout at the medals.”
Having fended on stiff competition in the all-human heats from a teething baby attempting to eat dinner, a middle aged woman fast asleep and a horny man enjoying a lapdance, Sammy went on to face Gungan leader, Boss Nass, from Star Wars, a camel and the reigning champion, Boson the Saint Bernard, in the overall final.
“I’m dedicating my victory to all ket-heads out there who’ve been given grief over the years,” he announced. “We take a lot of shit from people who accuse us of being nothing but disgusting wronguns. Most of us have to tolerate abuse from friends, family, other ravers, and pretty much aybody who doesn’t understand the ketamine way. I hope my success will be the beginning of educating people, in hope they start to view us in a more humane fashion.”
Sammy was heard attempting to shout “Ket Lives Matter” as he exited the arena, walking like Bambi on ice.