Optometrists at the annual Let’s Stamp Out Crossed Eyes Convention have announced that a small amount of ketamine is the perfect cure for strabismus or crossed eyes as it is more commonly known.
The news comes as a major relief to millions of strabismus sufferers worldwide as before now the only cure was in the form of a surgical procedure which, while cosmetically improving the position of the eyes, does little to improve sight.
Doctor Ivan Conrad Goode, of the I.C. Goode Medical Research Center, explained their latest breakthrough, “This really is a fantastic day for optometrists and people suffering from strabismus, we’ve been looking for a cure for years and to find such a simple and fun way to do it really fills me with joy and money.”
“I have been experimenting with ketamine in my research center since early 2011,” explained the doctor, “and while it usually leads to me and the staff entering the medical state known as “having a wobble” while listening to some wonky techno, on occasion we do undertake some actual research that isn’t related to making our own ketamine, buying ketamine online, buying drugs with similar effects to ketamine or thinking about ketamine.”
“One of those occasions happened last Tuesday when we discovered that the horse tranquiliser could in fact improve the vision of even the worst cases of crossed eyes,” recounted the doctor. “Over the course of the day we had been running trials with extremely large “lines” of ketamine and we noticed that at a particular dosage everyone in the lab suffered from a condition known as ket eye, where one eye is closed in order to gain focus on whatever funny thing your mate is doing,” he continued.
“Ket eye is caused by a chemical reaction in the brain which makes us believe that we are in a dream state, this in turn causes rapid eye movements and when we open our eyes they try to realign themselves causing our vision to become blurred,” offered the optometrist. “We knew that if we could find the perfect dosage we could make this same realignment of the eyes just right for cross eyed people, meaning that instead of closing one eye they could see perfectly with both eyes.”
“One of my lab assistants has an extremely “gunner-eyed” brother so we brought him in and after we’d all had a good laugh at his weird head we started experimenting with dosages. It took three days and about fifteen grams of ketamine before we eventually found the perfect dose,” he continued, “which, coincidentally, is exactly as much as you can fit on the end of regular front door key,” he happily added.
“Now cross eyed people will be able to see perfectly for up to eight hours with every gram of ketamine, although at this early stage it’s probably best off if they don’t drive or operate any heavy machinery while doing it.”
