A man who attempted to bring a nail clippers into last week’s Glastonbury festival was reportedly arrested and labeled a danger to society by the Avon and Somerset Constabulary.
According to police reports, the man in question, twenty six year old Peter Higgins with an address in Liverpool, was found to be in possession of a potentially lethal weapon when searched at the festival’s entrance.
Arresting officer Constable Dave Fields claimed the nail clippers had a number of sharp edges, including a “half inch blade” that was “blunter than a bendy banana”.
“It’s terrible what some people try to sneak into festivals with them,” claimed the policeman earlier. “We had to call in the armed response team when we found the nail clippers in that scumbag’s bag, you can’t take any risks when the safety of the public is on the line. Luckily, after a seven hour standoff, we managed to disarm him and throw him in a cell.”
“Just last week, we managed to intercept a man trying to get into another festival with a small glass bottle and two aerosol deodorants,” continued Fields. “We’re lucky we didn’t have a massacre on our hands. You just can’t trust anyone these days.”
Mr Higgins, described by friends as a free loving hippy, is still in police custody and can be held for up to thirty days without charge under the Terrorism Act.
“We got lucky this time and we managed to get through the festival without any major incidents,” claimed Fields. “Now all we have to do is figure out whether Mr Higgins was planning on using the nail clippers to harm British citizens or just to cut his nails. This one could take a while, thank god for the British justice system.”
Reports from Scotland yard suggest that large portions of MI5 will be deployed to festivals this summer after Britain chose to leave the EU and there is no longer a terrorist threat in the country because “all of those damn immigrants have been sorted out”.
