Man Caught Selling Ecstasy On eBay Claims He Thought That The “E” Stood For Ecstasy
Arsenio Fitzwilderberg from East Loggington, North Dakota, has been arrested today by DEA agents for selling ecstasy tablets on EBay. The dawn raid found Mr. Fitzwilderberg asleep on his couch in his Superman underpants, recovering from a week long binge of amphetamines and online shopping.
Reportedly the man had just ordered fifty kilos of fabric softener, a year’s supply of Loveheart candies and a life-size wooden replica of the Millennium Falcon whilst in his drug induced haze. Police have confirmed that the transactions had indeed been made, and that they were “quite looking forward to softer uniforms and a go on the spaceship eating romantic candies.”
Officer Liebowitz said today, “This is what makes my job worthwhile,” referring to the forthcoming addition of the Millennium Falcon to his precinct.
Mr. Fitzwilderberg has since come round in his holding cell and is reportedly asking for a lawyer, a change of socks and “a cold beer to take the edge of this hellish nightmare.”
None of these have been provided to him due to his involvement with the provision of narcotics and the fact that it happened in the United States where prisoners are, according to police handbooks, “Scum”.
The arresting officers have confirmed that the man has claimed that he mistook the “E” in “eBay” to mean “ecstasy”, and as such, Mr. Fitzwilderberg is filing a case where he will counter sue eBay for misrepresentation.
“How was I to know what the E meant?” asked Mr. Fitzwilderberg at his hearing earlier today. “Nobody calls electro house e-house. You don’t refer to electronic cigarettes as e-cigarettes”.
It was at this point that his lawyer informed him that in fact, people did. At this point he was seen to visibly slump and medics were called to give him a shot of whiskey and a medicinal duvet.
The case has reportedly not gone well for the young man, who claims he “only ever wanted to make people happy” and “had no idea that selling drugs over the internet was illegal.”
He claimed that, “If Silk Road got away with it for so long, I don’t see the problem.”
Judge Clement, who is overseeing the case, has reportedly said that he will “throw the book at the young man unless he can atone suitably for his crimes”. However, a short while later, both he and Mr. Fitzwilderberg were seen with their arms around each other listening to pumping techno whilst Mr. Fitzwilderberg tried on the Judge’s wig.
Arresting officer, Det. Liebowitz, has since released a statement via his personal Facebook account which said, “Get your ass down to the Precinct, Detective Dave is on the decks and he’s fucking killing it.”
We expect that Mr. Fitzwilderberg will be released without charge sometime late tomorrow morning.