Man Who Double Dropped Hasn’t Urinated In 6 Years
A young British man who took two ecstasy tablets at one time, or double dropped, back in 2008, hasn’t been able to urinate in the 6 years since.
David, reportedly mangled off his chops on chunky mitsubishis – a potent variety of ecstasy tablet – took the pills as a display of his macho drug taking abilities at a Claude Von Stroke gig but reported to friends soon after of an inability to urinate – despite that he was feeling like he needed to squirt a jet of hot yellow relief from the tip of his penis.
“It’s been 6 long years of standing in front of a toilet, for the first 6 hours of that it wasn’t too bad, I was still wired – imagining I could still hear beats even though the toilet was silent,” explained David through a steely grimace that looked like it may collapse into tears at any moment.
“I tried lots of things to find release, like running taps to see if the sound would open the dam – avoiding thinking of the word ‘dam’…I tried repeating the phrase ‘babbling brooks of glacial meltwater’ over and over in the hopes that something would give but it never did.”
David, seen here trying and failing to urinate as a friend clasps his pathetic shoulder in a futile gesture of support, spent the first several months after he took the ecstasy tablets standing over the toilet in the hopes that if he “just kept completely still and emptied his thoughts that the urine would come” but it never did.
“I could feel it, coming through the urethra, waiting to burst out into the world but it felt like every time it got to the tip it’d go away or I’d push too hard,” added David. “It’s tough wanting to piss but not being able to like holding in a sneeze or a casually racist opinion if you’re a Tory MP.”
Fearing that he’s going slowly mad, David has suffered emotionally and physically because ecstasy pills destroyed his penis, having been hospitalised several times including when he lost the use of his legs following a whopping 7 day session of standing in front of the toilet – “it doesn’t work if you sit down”, and has been variously treated for “back knack, crying and suffered frost bite to his penis during the cold snap of Christmas 2011”.
His penis, now just a flaccid useless stump that hangs limply from the bottom of his torso like a groin appendix, is slowly starting to decay and fall off, an eventuality that David has trouble dealing with.
“Look what I got! I mean look at me! I got no dick man, I’m pathetic, look at me, I can’t piss, I can’t hump..you know?” wept David while gesturing towards his disgusting, half-dead cock carcass. “Just kill me now…end this.”
The doctors who have treated David since the incident have claimed that his condition may have been caused “by the ecstasy wreaking unbelievable damage to his renal system so that his urine is now condensed into little pillows of pungent gas and is excreted via the arse in wispy yellow plumes, or it might be that MDMA promotes the release of a hormone that suppresses urination…we just can’t know”.
The condition known as “agony” affects 1 in 500 “ecstasy” users in the UK every year except for leap years but goes largely unreported because, according to experts, habitual drug users are often so whacked out of their minds on street plums that they don’t even know if, and when, they’re pissing on themselves, or into the face of a passing child.
“When was the last time you pissed?” concluded a statement from the Department of Health. “Get yourself checked!”