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Man Happy To Hide Lack Of Personality By Being Generous With His Cocaine

Man Happy To Hide Lack Of Personality By Being Generous With His Cocaine

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A young British man, David Barnes, who reportedly has the personality of a damp sponge in a bucket of warm piss, is today trying to hide his lack of a personality by sharing his cocaine with everyone at the party.

According to people at the party, David’s shameless attempts to win everyone over using free cocaine has been “largely successful” and that even though he has “a normal job like mechanic or bus conductor” most people would invite him back “provided he kept up the steady supply of free bumps”.

“If people want to use their drugs to win my friendship then I’m okay with that,” claimed party guest Andrew who says he likes David even though “he’s definitely working class and doesn’t do anything creative like blogging or cultivating a moustache”.

It has been suggested by David’s friends that the young bus mechanic is well aware that he’s “a bit of a tit” but sees no problem in “being overly gregarious at parties, aggressively coming on to uncomfortable women in front of people and interrupting everyone’s story with a better one about himself” as throwing people the odd bump here and there smooths things over.

“It works out fine,” claimed David, seen here wearing a silly hat to further distract people from his underwhelming ability to be sound. “I’m not going to change, I read Max Power magazine, think Michael McIntyre is funny and Entourage is the best show ever made and if that makes me a dickhead then maybe I’m just a dickhead – but perhaps a quick line will change your mind?”

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Like anyone handing out free drugs, their presence will be tolerated at most house parties, raves, DJ booths and schoolyards, with everyone at the party willing to turn a blind eye to David’s crippling lack of social tact or interesting opinions in favour of his coke.

“I quite like him,” concluded Andrew, “I mean sure, I don’t like him, share interests with him, know his number or talk to him anywhere except at parties but when he’s deep into a conversation with me about my Mum’s tits or Frank Lampard I just stare blankly which causes an inevitable lull in the conversation broken by him pushing a key of white powder in my nose. After that, we shake hands and laugh. It’s totally a friendship.”

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