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Douche Bag Wearing Over 50 Festival Wristbands Loses Arm In Occupational Accident

Douche Bag Wearing Over 50 Festival Wristbands Loses Arm In Occupational Accident

A veterinarian, who had been wearing a collection of over fifty festival wristbands, has tragically lost his arm in a bizarre occupational accident.

Martin Gardner (32), who had been wearing his collection of wristbands from the music festivals he has visited, lost his arm below the elbow during a standard artificial insemination procedure, in which a number of his wristbands became entangled in a horse’s vagina.

The forlorn vet, who specialises in equine gynecology, spoke about the harrowing incident, “I’ve carried out AI (artificial insemination) procedures hundreds of times and the only worry I ever had was how much I enjoyed it. Other than that, my wristbands have never caused me any hassle.”

“I wear these really thick rubber gloves that go all the way up to my shoulders so usually neither my arm nor my wristbands come into contact with the horse’s vagina at all,” he insisted.

“But this mare was different, she was incredibly frisky and by the time I had my arm fully inside her she started to buck like crazy. I guess this caused the glove to come loose and as I pulled my arm out the bands must have become completely entangled in her vagina,” he assumed.

“The horse went totally berserk, I tried to pull my arm out but it was completely trapped, the harder I pulled the crazier she went,” he painfully recounted. “The pain was so intense, I knew the only thing to make it stop was to administer a large dose of medical horse tranquilizer ketamine, to myself. After that I can’t really remember much else until I woke up in a hospital bed with one and a half arms.”

Paramedics battled for over two hours to try and save Mr. Gardner’s arm but by the time they had freed him from the horse there was little left but an unrecognisable pile of mangled flesh, bone and a macabre collection of brightly coloured festival wristbands.

Jason Lennox, a friend of Mr. Gardner, spoke about how the incident has affected his friend’s life, “He probably won’t tell you this himself but I think he’s more disappointed about losing the wristbands than he is about losing the arm, he’s been collecting them for nearly fifteen years. He’ll get a big insurance pay off and he won’t have to stick his arm up horses fannies for a living any more. Who wants to do that?” he asked jokingly.

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“He wanted to be a doctor, he probably should have paid more attention in college rather than going to all those music festivals!” he added.

“The biggest problem Martin faces now is that he doesn’t look like a cool, faux-hippy, festival hopper. I mean he’s a vet so he’s always looked like a vet but without the wristbands people won’t see the wristbands, instantly think he’s cool and want to talk inanely about whether Burning Man is as good as people think it is.”

“I’m just worried that without all of the attention he got from his wristbands that he’s going to do something really stupid out of desperation like have ‘HATE’ tattooed on his knuckles or dye his hair bright red,” he concernedly concluded.

View Comments (26)
  • Wow @ the first commenter. Laughing at someone who just lost their arm. And to the writer, calling a recent amputee a douchebag.
    Classy website y’all have here.

    Unless this is one of those media hoax things. Go ahead, become comedians. Make livings off the “false victim” subject of jokes.

  • Satire :the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.

    It’s not satire.

    • A common feature of satire is strong irony or sarcasm—”in satire, irony is militant”[2]—but parody, burlesque, exaggeration,[3] juxtaposition, comparison, analogy, and double entendre are all frequently used in satirical speech and writing.

      C’mon man, is this not satirical writing? Maybe you are just not understanding the definition.

    • It clearly is satire. It’s *joking* anyway. It’s not supposed to be a true story, it’s supposed to make you laugh. If you’re not familiar with music festivals and raving and ketamine and hippies and all the rest of it then the humour will be lost on you.

  • I usually don’t comment on garbage like this but I can’t resist. This story is the biggest crock of shit for many reasons… The two main ones are 1) if you are an equine veterinarian, you are the top of the line, highest level of training , and dealing with the richest of the rich and their billionaire horses…. Basic surgical and sterile technique prevents vets and any doctor from wearing any type of jewelry during these techniques. In other words, if he performs these procedures wearing these bracelets, he will lose his license… And secondly, if he were to administer ketamine to himself, he would become catatonic. Articles like this are such hunks of crap and the people that publish them should overdose on ketamine themselves and stop poluting already garbage-full social media sites.

    • The article is a joke. Its lack of realism is part of the humour. Us druggy hippies found it funny. You’re obviously quite straight-laced (so to speak) and not into this kind of humour.

    • “Articles like this are such hunks of crap and the people that publish them should overdose on ketamine themselves and stop poluting already garbage-full social media sites.”

      Yes and people stupid enough to believe them as factual, should go back to Facebook and stop polluting the comments section of Satire sites.

    • Lol, you realize you just made a fool out of yourself by totally missing the DISCLAIMER. By far. Like miles. But sure, vets losing arms in horses and injecting ketamine while being stuck (most logical thing to do), I get why you thought this was for real xD

      But sure, share the hate. That will improve the garbage-full social media sites. Vastly. Nice job. But perhaps, maybe lay off the ketamine yourself and try this:

      Wise ass xD I can imagine you feel silly now.

  • To those who were offended by this article: wake up, yes it is satire. And very well done! To those who believe that self administered ketamine should’ve harmed the vet have clearly never danced on marshmallows!

    • That’s the official anatomical name for it, Why, what would you call it – “equine flaps?”

  • Almost more hilarious than the original article are the comments of the people here taking this stuff is real xD hahaha you make life worth living guys, thanks!

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