A man who ate a multipack of popular chocolate bar, Cadbury’s Crunchie, reportedly can’t stop thinking that it’s Friday.
The chocolate covered honeycomb bar, popular with humans possessing taste buds and people who dip things in tea, supposedly possesses an intrinsic quality that makes those who consume it experience what Cadbury’s expert chocolatiers call “The Friday Feeling”, which it is believed to have caused Paul Thompson to mistakenly believe that today is Friday.
“I shouldn’t have eaten it, I have the loose limbed enthusiasm of a Friday evening,” explained Paul. “Feel like anything is possible and this weekend will be the best of my life. To put it bluntly I’m just so excited.”
Paul, a local clubber who is known to have an insatiable lust for weekend partying and is described by friends as someone who will “party at the drop of a hat, followed by a pill” says that he is now finding it difficult to resist the urge to act on the Friday Feeling and “fuck everything off and go on a mad one”.
Colleagues of Paul claim that today was a typical Thursday in the call centre worker’s office but that things changed after lunch when Paul ate his third Crunchie of the day. “Before he ate the bar he looked quite depressed like his girlfriend was being sexually gratified by another, better man or that all his hopes and dreams had been dashed to the extent that the only brief solace of his pained existence was enjoying a tasty chocolate covered honeycomb treat,”observed a concerned Lisa while distractedly playing on her phone.
“Once he ate the Crunchie he perked right up,” she added.
Paul says he is doing everything to fight the “Friday Feeling” and go on a “three day exciting nightclub fueled mash-up” by listening to boring music unrelated to clubbing like David Guetta and Calvin Harris while also avoiding thinking about anything exciting and planning a rigorously unexciting exercising schedule in the gym.
“It’s too late to stick my fingers down my throat and throw up the Crunchie plus there was no soap in the toilet to wash my hands after my post-lunch number 2 so that option’s doubly out,” he explained. “I’ll ride the urge out by doing boring and repetitive life prolonging exercise.”
“I know if I don’t go the gym straight after work then I’ll probably be just scrolling through my phone book buying coke and ringing mates who are on the dole to go to some student night and fucking wreck the place. Like an average Friday.”
Paul says that in the future he’ll be eating a less energetic chocolate bar like “a Green & Blacks 80% Cocoa. No Friday Feeling in one of those. Probably a Tuesday feeling or something”.
Cadbury’s declined to make an official statement as to why their honeycombed chocolate bar induces in people who eat it the belief that it’s Friday, but a “bloke” who works in the packaging department said they add small amounts of “cocaine and aspiration” into the bar.
This coupled with a suggestive advertising campaign that implores people eating it to ‘fuck off work early’ induces the Friday Feeling. He also said that if you’re looking for any bags of broken chocolate for Christmas or Easter he can sort you out.
