A young festivalgoer was reportedly left shocked but delighted at Facebang Festival last weekend when a bag of what was nominally “cocaine” that he purchased from a shady bloke in a cap turned out to be actual cocaine.
“I couldn’t believe it,” gushed 24-year-old chlamydia carrier and DJ, Mark Bright. “I mean you just don’t expect that when you buy coke, particularly off a random, that it’ll actually be coke.”
Witnesses claim that this is the first time this summer that anyone in the UK or Ireland has bought a bag of cocaine that actually was cocaine and not a combination of creatine, benzocaine and talcum powder.
“I just asked your man, have you any coke?” continued Mark. “The guy goes ‘yeah, how much do you want?’ and I asked ‘is it any use?’ to which he replied ‘well, yeah, like it’s coke’. I kinda laughed a bit at what I thought was his naive sincerity but took an eight off him anyway.”
“I was fully expecting to get a bag of non-descript white powder that I’d still snort and feel a mild buzz off before admonishing myself for wasting my money. But what happened shocked me and everyone, I actually took a bump there and then and felt the effects of proper cocaine.”
Mark claims that the eight lasted him “for the rest of the festival” due to the fact that the coke was real and he didn’t need to shovel it into his face every five minutes “chasing a buzz of piss poor stepped on shite”.
“Looking back on it now, I believe that he probably wasn’t a man or a dealer like others, he was obviously sent from heaven or Colombia to make someone’s weekend and thankfully he made mine,” continued Mark. “That’s the first time in my life that I’ve ever taken pure drugs, it was amazing.”
Following on from Mark’s news a nationwide search has been announced to try and find the mystery man who has proper coke but has so far come up short with 100% of the dealers who have come forward being frauds “who actively know their shit is shit”.
“I don’t even know if he was real, this Coke Man that everyone is talking about,” claimed one sceptic. “Just the idea that there’s a man out there who says he has coke for sale and then actually has got coke for sale. It’s too far fetched.”
“I’ll believe it when I snort it,” he quipped. “Which will probably be never cause there’s no way it’s real, it’s an urban legend like the slender man, trickle down economics and David Guetta’s respected early career.”
