A young man who has made the gutsy resolution to completely eliminate any vestige of denial from his life by ingesting more of his favourite intoxicants, is confident that he won’t break his resolution “until about 2035 when I drop dead from massive organ failure.”
James Mercer, a 24 year old successful accountant, made the resolution after he felt his life was going off the rails. “I was being promoted at work and staying in more at the weekends. First it was the odd weekend a month, but then it was staying in every Friday and Saturday night. Watching The Graham Norton show with a ginseng smoothie and then swimming 2 kilometres the next morning before studiously preparing for the coming working week.”
“It was getting out of hand,” he continued. “I remember waking up one Monday morning, leaping out of bed for work and being genuinely happy to be starting the day.”
“It was as I was putting my car keys into the ignition that I realised I was singing I’m So Excited by The Pointer Sisters that the penny dropped,” recounted James. “I knew at that point that I had a serious problem.”
James has said that he plans to change his healthy living ways by smoking “at least 20 a day” and going to the pub every night after work for “three pints minimum.”
“I’ve started my new regime already,” explained James. “This morning for breakfast, where I’d normally have had some porridge with blueberries and acai, I had three fried eggs, chips, sausages and two cups of strong coffee followed by a rail of cocaine and a brisk 25 minute drive to work. I felt the benefits immediately.”
James said he plans to completely eliminate all damaging exercise from his life including yoga, running, swimming and sex. “My girlfriend, bless her, is still struggling with being a mid-life crisis fitness fanatic but she’s hoping to get the help she needs soon. She is still right behind what I’m doing and so she’s agreed to go on top during sex now so that I won’t have to endure any form of cardiovascular exercise.”
“I’d recommend making these small lifestyle changes to everyone,” concluded James. “Ask yourself this – do you want to spend the rest of your long, healthy life eating nutritious food and being positive or, do you want to depressingly drink and drug yourself to excess until you develop long term health problems and die prematurely?”
“I think I know the answer,” he added. “I just hope others follow suit before it’s too late.”
