Man Who Passed Spliff To The Right Is Horribly Assaulted

A young stoner who took it upon himself to brazenly pass the spliff he was smoking to the right instead of the left was beaten up and kicked out of a party after his actions flew in the face of cannabis smoking conventions the world over.

24 year old David Browne was left with a black eye, a fat lip and a red welt across his backside from where the door hit him in the ass on his way out after he decided to buck convention and pass a shared joint to the right, rather than the left.

“Everyone knows you pass to the left,” offered one of the men involved in the assault Graeme Marks. “Never, ever should a spliff be passed to the right. He should be in The Hague on war criminal charges for the blatant disregard for stoner rights. I don’t know why he would do such a thing, he’s obviously sick.”

“It’s a well documented fact that Hitler and George W. Bush were both known to pass their spliffs to the right,” continued Graeme. “I’m not saying that passing a spliff to the right automatically makes you a megalomaniac, but there’s no smoke without a burning tip.”

Describing the incident as one of the worst things to ever happen to him personally and a massive affront to everyone present at the party as well as marijuana smokers the world over, Graeme says that the offence caused was so great that he had to take action again David.

“I suppose the best analogy I can use to describe the sheer effrontery of what he did was that it was like I was just enjoying breakfast and he came into my home, unzipped his fly, took out his cock, gently lifted the spoon from my bowl of cornflakes and vigourously sent a jet of hot piss into my breakfast bowl so that a back splash composed of milk and urine got on my face and in my hair and mouth before he zipped back up, looked me in the eyes and forced me to continue eating.”

Graeme says that, being a stoner and of a pacifistic nature, he didn’t initially pluck up the courage to confront David but “started thinking bad words about him, like prick or wanker, and looking annoyed until he got the message that something was up”, and that when David asked what was wrong he responded that he had passed the spliff the wrong way.

“He said something like ‘ooops sorry, my mistake’ as if it wasn’t a big deal,” continued Graeme. “But it is a big deal damn it. It was that reaction that made me lose my cool. I punched him in the head and with the help of everyone else in the party we escorted him to the door and kicked him out of the house with threats for him never to return.”

Friends of Graeme’s who witnessed the incident were equally appalled by David’s actions with 23 year old Jessica saying “it was really just deplorable behaviour. I could forgive a lot, but not passing to the right.”

“If he had said he had done a hit and run but left the scene, I could forgive him,” continued Jessica. “If he said he diddled kids I’d find a way to be, if not understanding, at least tolerant and try to help him rehabilitate but I can’t forgive him passing the spliff the wrong way. Might as well kick a dog to death in front of me as do that.”