Man Who Stole Ketamine At Cheltenham Makes Slowest Getaway Of All Time
A man who broke into a veterinarian’s store room and stole ketamine at Cheltenham yesterday is still in the process of making his getaway.
The man, who is yet to be identified, is believed to have drank thirty millilitres of high grade equine ketamine, enough to kill a small horse, and has been drifting in and out of k holes for the last twenty four hours.
“We were going to arrest him but there’d just be no point with the state he’s in,” explained Sergeant Brian Downey of the Gloucestershire Constabulary. “It would mean we’d have to babysit him for the foreseeable future and then, if we tried to question him when he sobered up, he wouldn’t remember anything anyway. Besides, he’s far too funny to watch to stick him in a cell.”
According to ketamine expert, and annoying horse racing wanker, John McCririck, the man is in, what is known in the industry as, a supermassive k hole.
“When you’ve spent as much time around horses as I have you get to know a thing or two about the effects of ketamine,” explained the smug cunt. “I haven’t gotten myself into a state like that since Royal Ascot 1974 when the Queen passed a bottle of her own regal ketamine around the Winner’s Enclosure. You just don’t get ket like that these days.”
“Though that pathetic excuse for a man out there is moving incredibly slowly, his mind will be racing a million miles a second,” continued McCririck, whose face looks even more punchable in real life than it does on the television. “It’s quite possible that he’ll have mentally aged ten or fifteen years by the time he snaps out of it. It’s going to be a total mind fuck for him, he’ll definitely think twice before drinking liquid ketamine again.”
Bookmakers Paddy Power are believed to be offering odds of three to one for the man to wake up before the end of the festival on Friday evening.