British singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran has sensationally revealed that he is an ISIS sympathiser, during an interview where he categorically denied the Holocaust, but it’s alright because he’s a total darling.
Sheeran, who recently replaced Ronald McDonald as the world’s most loved redhead, made the shocking, but forgivable, admission live on ITV’s This Morning earlier today.
“Awww, he’s so lovely,” claimed host Holly Willoughby shortly after Sheeran’s interview. “When he talks, no matter what he’s talking about, I get such a maternal instinct, I just want to grab him and cuddle and kiss him. At one point, I was even going to ask him if he wanted to suckle on my boob because I thought he looked thirsty, the only reason I didn’t was because I knew it would have driven Philip (Schofield) mad with jealousy.”
During his interview, Sheeran also claimed that he had “very little time for Africans or Asians” and that he believes “all members of the LGBT community should be sent to live on an island”, causing thousands of viewers to contact Ofcom and tell them how much of a national treasure he is.
“Bless him,” claimed Martin Hampden, chairman of the Scottish Gay Rights Association. “He’s so young and adorable, you know he didn’t really mean those things, it’s like when a cute little puppy shits on your carpet, they’re not doing it on purpose, they’re doing it because they don’t know any better but it doesn’t make them any less cute.”
Sheeran finished his interview by telling writer and feminist Germaine Greer “not to worry her pretty little head” about equality in the music industry before slapping her arse and claiming she “could actually be quite hot” if she “made the effort” and that he “definitely still would” despite her being a “feminazi dinosaur”.
Greer had this to say about the incident, “Oh I don’t think he meant any harm. How could that little face possibly cause offence? The only thing I don’t like about his face is that nasty scar. If I ever get my hands on Princess Beatrice I’ll kick the fucking shit out of her.”
Sources within Scotland Yard have also revealed that they will not be investigating Sheeran, despite the singer giving his unwavering support to ISIS and claiming that he wants to “watch the world burn, after coming to the conclusion that “he definitely wouldn’t do that sort of thing”.