Real Life

Man’s Tongue The Morning After A Session Named The Dryest Place On Earth

A man who recently woke up, severely dehydrated after two days on the session, has had his tongue declared the driest place on Earth.

The man in question, twenty-four-year-old Des Eart, is reported to have stayed in bed for approximately four hours, practically choking, before finally leaving the safety of his bed to get a drink of water.

“I made the mistake of going to bed without bringing a glass of water with me,” revealed Eart earlier. “To be honest with you, I don’t even remember going to bed so I’m not surprised I forgot the water. I woke up a couple of times during the night with an awful thirst on me but I just couldn’t have been arsed getting up, I even tried kicking my girlfriend, hoping she’d wake up thirsty and go down and get some but it didn’t work, she was out like a cheerleader at Bill Cosby’s birthday party.”

Wunderground spoke to desertification expert Noel Broome about the recent announcement, “Contrary to popular belief, deserts aren’t actually the driest places on Earth. Compared to other parts of the planet they are quite dry and arid but if you know where to look there is water to be found.”

“Up until now, the driest places we’ve found are Arab’s sandals and nun’s knickers,” revealed Broome. “But they’re both practically sopping when compared to Mr Eart’s mouth. It was unlike anything we’ve ever seen before, the level of dryness could only be likened to some kind of planet that never had any water on it to begin with, we actually had to test his DNA to make sure he wasn’t some kind of alien life form.”

“Let me put it this way, if he had tried to lick you, his tongue would have removed your skin twice as quick as sandpaper,” he claimed. “If he had attempted oral sex on his girlfriend, we could have been looking at a complete fanny removal. So it’s not only an intriguing scenario but also a very dangerous one. He’s on an intensive rehydration program now, he should be back to normal sometime in the next three to four days.”

According to reports, upon completing his rehydration program, Mr Eart went “straight down the pub” where he drank eight pints before “getting a bag dropped down” and going on another two-day session and severely dehydrating himself, again.

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