Using the number of drinks you have had to measure a period of time is now recognised as a legitimate method by the International Association of Things and Stuff.
According to experts, when in an environment where alcohol is being consumed, the number of drinks consumed is considered an “extremely accurate” way to measure time that has passed.
“You can quite easily tell someone that you’ve been in a pub for ‘three drinks’ and they’ll know exactly how long you’ve been there,” claimed scientist Rick Bergen. “In reality, when someone asks that question, they’re really more interested in knowing how much catching up they have to do than how long you’ve actually been sitting there.”
“But, no matter what they’re hoping to get from the answer, the use of drinks consumed to measure a period of time, is almost one hundred percent accurate and effective in this scenario,” continued the scientist. “However, when trying to measure time that has yet to elapse, the drinks method becomes slightly less accurate.”
“If you were to ask someone when the next bus was due and they told you in about ‘half a large vodka and coke’ you’d probably just think they were a raging alcoholic,” Bergen claimed. “Which, you’ll find, most people who use the drinks consumed method of time actually are.”
“Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment in four pints so I really must get going.”
Michael Jones, a high functioning alcoholic, claims that he has been using the drinks method of time for almost one hundred and thirty-six thousand beers.
“I was only around forty or forty-five beers old when I first started to use drinks to measure time,” he explained. “That was almost ninety thousand beers ago, which makes me feel really old. At first, I thought the drink had messed with my brain so much that I just didn’t actually understand the concept of time anymore but now that it’s been named as a legitimate way to measure time, I feel a lot better about myself.”
“I’ll probably go out for a couple of pints in five beers to celebrate.”