English DJ and producer Mark Knight is set to sue satirical dance music publication Wunderground after pissing himself in Athens International Airport while reading their website.
Knight is believed to be filing an emotional distress claim against Wunderground after he was left “sodden and confused” in the airport’s departure lounge, causing him to miss his flight and several dates on his European tour.
“Mark is extremely upset over the Athens incident,” claimed Pete Daly, Knight’s tour manager. “It was a very embarrassing time for everyone involved. We’ve consulted with our lawyers and, although there’s not a whole lot we can say at the moment for legal reasons, Mark will be seeking compensation for emotional distress, loss of earnings, a brand new pair of G-Star jeans, two £20 notes, which were completely destroyed by the piss, and half a pack of Polo mints.”
“I’ll also be making a small claim for emotional distress after I ate one of the aforementioned, piss tainted Polo mints later that day,” added Daily.
Video footage of the incident, now widely referred to as the “Departuregate scandal”, which seemed to show the Toolroom Records label boss laughing while reading Wunderground articles surfaced on social media last week. However, Knight’s management were quick to counter the footage and claimed the DJ was actually crying and in a “severely distressed” state of mind when the video was taken.
“Of course Mark wasn’t laughing at Wunderground,” confirmed Daly. “Have you read what those guys have written about some of his closest friends. It’s pure filth. If you actually look at the footage of Mark you’ll see the manic wailing of a fully grown man, who had just pissed his pants and been reduced to a blubbering mess by the slanderous nonsense of a bunch of bitter, failed DJs and hack journalists.”
“There’s nothing funny about that at all, unless you’re into watching people humiliate themselves, which I am, I actually found the whole thing quite hilarious, apart from the whole pissy Polo mint bit.”
According to fellow DJ and anti-Wunderground activist DJ Sneak, Knight is “completely right” to sue the publication.
“Those whack-ass fuctards think they can just go around saying whatever they want and hope that people will just ‘get it’ because it’s a joke and it’s supposed to be funny,” ranted Sneak. “Don’t they understand that some people, like me, just can’t take jokes and get really upset when people question our credibility?”
“It’s about time somebody sued those fools,” continued the DJ. “I tried to do it last year, I told my lawyer they ruined my career but he just laughed in my face, told me I ruined my own career by being such an asshole to everyone and advised me to find new legal representation, but fuck him, I don’t need no advice from no stupid lawyer, I just called him a cunt, blocked him on Twitter and got on with it. Proper gangster style. Yo!”
So far, Knight has yet to comment on the incident, although it is believed he will release a statement of indistinguishable squeals any day now.
