Dutch EDM poster boy Martin Garrix is believed to be “flattered” and “thrilled” after he allegedly received a Valentine’s Day card from former Lostprofits front man, turned convicted sex offender, Ian Watkins.
Nineteen year old Garrix, who is famous for jumping around like a hyperactive teenage girl who has just taken a selfie with Justin Beiber whilst DJ’ing in clubs and at festivals, took to social media to announce his new love interest, “This year was all about focussing on my dreams and ambitions but something wonderful has happened.”
“I have been making so much new music that I haven’t had time to meet anybody. I even deleted my Tinder App as well as cancelling my accounts on Plenty Of Fish, eHermony and Match to avoid the distraction of love. I wasn’t expecting anything this Valentine’s Day so to receive a card is extremely overwhelming.”
“I don’t know much about this Ian chap but I assume we are into the same things,” said a smitten Garrix. “We’re both artists who have the goal to inspire our adoring fans. I am a DJ, he’s a rock-star. My music reaches out and touches children all around the world so I am assuming he has experience in this area too.”
Disgraced rock-star Watkins is currently serving a thirty seven year prison sentence for meddling with minors, but it hasn’t stopped the platinum selling front man putting his heart on the line by making a public move to begin a romance with Garrix.
“I can confirm that Ian Watkins did indeed send a card to Martin Garrix hoping to spark some interest,” said Linda Rumsey of Watkins’s legal team. “Ian has been lonely in prison with nothing but his subscriptions to J14, Shout, and Mother and Baby magazines to keep him going. Seeing Garrix’s face regularly appear on posters in these magazines has not only offered him the hope of having a life after prison, but also given him a shit load of wanking material to see him through these cold, hard, prison nights.”
“However, it must be firmly stressed that since the card sending incident has been made public, Ian would like to retract the card and lovely poem which was written inside, having found out that Garrix is Nineteen years old.” Said Linda.
“Ian was devastated to find out that Garrix is not actually twelve years old, despite looking it, acting it, and DJ’ing to this age group on over one hundred and fifty occasions in 2015.”
Garrix, who is believed to have made EDM remixes of popular love anthems Wonderful Tonight and My Hear Will Go On within the last few days concluded by telling Wunderground the following, “Even though he thinks I am too old for him, I know I am not. Age is but a number. My head has been turned and I am determined to get to know him. The fact he sent a card in the first place proves there must be something between us. I long for the day we can meet. Which should be some time in 2043 or possibly 2037 depending on good behaviour.”
