Going against his client’s wishes, Martin Solveig’s manager, Fyffe Whittaker, has declared publicly that the headband he habitually wears is actually a load bearing band, designed to stop the ever increasing swelling of his head.
“I noticed after his first major gig that his ego had expanded to elephantine proportions, which to the layperson means ‘to the size of an elephant'”, he explained. “He came off stage and was high-fiving everything in sight. First it was the backstage crew, then the catering crew, but soon it various inanimate objects, like hat stands and posters of himself.”
“I thought it was just the adrenaline and cocaine, but every gig afterwards he was the same. He began clapping himself on the back. Then he hired someone to clap him on the back. Pretty soon he had an entire team around him, just standing in a circle, clapping each other on the back like a PG13 circle jerk.”
“In an effort to stop him from becoming an absolute hot air buffoon, I tried a technique which had worked for various athletes and the stars of the movie Fame, which was to issue him with a titanium reinforced headband, which we believed would stop the swelling.”
“It seems to have worked, he’s much more humble these days. He now only has one person employed to pat him on the back, and once a week he goes to see a Swedish Ego Masseuse.”
Martin Solveig himself is supposedly deeply annoyed by the comments made by his manager. It would seem he had tried to keep his swollen ego a secret. However after working with Madonna on her album MDNA, it seemed it was impossible to keep it quiet.
Some reports indicate that his neck is under serious strain from the extra weight of his swollen head, with some members of the press indicating that he has to drag it on stage after him, which leaves him too tired to play a decent set.
One unnamed member of the press has said, “He started playing in a nightclub called Le Bains Douches. Now, I’m not fluent in French… But I think that translates as The Bane of Douches. We should have guessed from that, I suppose.”
