A recent study has revealed that masculinity amongst modern-day men is now measured by how hot they have their Nandos.
The study, conducted by the University of London in conjunction with The History Channel, offers a valuable insight into current masculinity and goes a long way to demonstrating the history of masculinity and how the competitive edge and need to impress people has often ensured the majority of males, from every era, have often ended up looking like total cunts.
“Throughout the ages, men have always wanted to prove their worth to other men,” said University Professor and outspoken feminist Kim Heck. “Vikings would fight to the bitter-death with swords, there was epic shootouts in the wild-west, illegal bare-knuckle prize fights took place across the UK and, of course, the ultimate game of ‘chicken’ in which two men would race their car towards one another with the loser being the one who swerved. Nowadays, masculinity is judged by a whole different game of chicken.”
“The pattern we see escalating in Nandos on a daily basis is extremely simple and has been going on for a number of years without the male breed learning from their mistakes. These very basic creatures will arrive in their droves, wearing tight jeans and man-bags while all trying to out-banter each other in the queue. When asked ‘how hot?’ by the cashier, they always opt for ‘hot’ or ‘extra hot’, knowing full well they should be going for ‘medium’ or ‘lemon and herb’,” explained Heck.
“Whilst they initially win respect, popularly known as lad-points, from their friends and the people in the restaurant, it usually ends in tears, with the male as good as dying at the table, while complaining of a burning mouth and sweating forehead. There is absolutely no high-street credibility to be earned when ordering lemon and herb chicken in Nandos, but there is a real life issue of masculinity-points to be lost by acting like a little girl and failing to eat your hot chicken in pitta and halloumi.”
“On the rare occasion that a male enters Nandos and finishes his extra-hot chicken, as well as using the extra-hot sauce which comes in that bastard black bottle, he can rightly claim the ‘alpha male’ tag. Unfortunately we are yet to find one of these males in modern-day society,” Heck concluded.
Wunderground asked regular Nandos attendee Jack “The Lad” Davis to give us his opinion, “Yeah being a man is all about how many birds you chirp on SnapChat and how hot you have your Nandos, innit. Fuck all this ‘real men have beards’ or ‘real men provide for their family’ bollocks. You want to be a real man? You want to be top-boy in your squad? You want a reputation from Essex to Ibiza? Get extra-hot, fam. I dare ya.”
