Minimal Techno Set To Be Further Reduced Due To Global Recession

In a shocking move announced today at the “Financial Forecast Seminar” in Bern, Switzerland, International Bankers have moved to further minimise Minimal Techno. The statement, issued after three days of intense negotiations, discusses the proposal and its supposed benefits. According to the report, the amount of joy received in listening to Minimal Techno does not sufficiently warrant the amount of time invested in creating it. The major banks have foreclosed on many Minimal Techno artists already.

One banker, who wished not to be named for his own safety, has said, “It costs an arm and a leg to create these things. We’re taking the arm and the leg back. As well as the other arm and leg. And the mouth too, so nobody can object…While we’re there, we may as well take everything else.”

He continued, “We have strategies for further reducing Minimal Techno. The first suggestions put forward to futher increase productivity is to stop wasting time by calling it “Minimal Techno”. It will hereafter be referred to as ‘MinTech’.” This has seen some sectors of the banking industry comment that this is even too Maximal for Minimal Techno, claiming that due to inevitable future cut-backs, this could be further reduced to “Min” in the next budget.

“Min” artists will hereafter have to work with a single 808 which is to be shared amongst all of them on a rotational basis, with each artist being allocated just one hour per year. The device itself is set to be housed in a vault under Berlin’s infamous “Berghain” night club for safety. All bookings will be made through the Deutsche Bundesbank, and will involve a needlessly complex administration system which is set to cost the taxpayer millions. “They can just loop whatever they make in that hour and release that,” stated the spokesperson for the German Bank, Herr Loss.

This has enraged many fans, who are set to hold a minimal protest outside financial institutions across the world. Their minimal protest will consist of one man with a home-made plackard, simply stating the phrase “Maximise”. This has angered some Minimal purists, believing it to be far too over the top. “All he needed was to write ‘Max’. Any ‘Min’ fans would have understood.”

Mediators, who are being referred to as ‘Med’, have been called in to ease the tense dialogue between the supporters of more minimal Min, and those who support a more maximal Min, with the bankers themselves present to explain their position, which is based on the notion that further minimimalisation can only streamline the process. However, they also claim that a hefty and unwieldy bureaucracy is needed to allocate the hour allowance with the 808 to Minimal artists.

It is expected that after further tense negotiations to be held this week, Minimal techno will be performed by a single banker in a room in the financial district of London, where he will stand for 23 hours a day with a clave in one hand, which will be hit on the hour, every hour, until financial stability returns to the global markets. Anyone wishing to purchase Minimal Techno will have to remortgage their homes with Beatport, in a move which is set to make them the world’s largest property owner.