Real Life

More Coke Sniffed At Weddings Than Raves In 2016

An independent study conducted by the UK Cocaine Foundation (UKCF) has revealed that more coke has been sniffed at weddings than at any other type of event over the past twelve months.

The popular party powder, which is ranked “head and shoulders” above ecstasy, weed and ketamine in terms of most used narcotic, is believed to be “rife”, amongst wedding guests, who view the special day as an “opportunity to get fucked” rather than a celebration of love and matrimony between loved ones.

“It wasn’t even a close race,” confirmed a delighted Hilary Giffard from the UKCF. “After adding up the tallies, weddings stormed ahead of second place, ‘local pub’, and third place, ‘bank’, in the rankings. Funerals and raves completed the top five cocaine events, proving the devils snow is still the go-to drug for all special occasions.”

Wunderground recently attended a wedding and managed to speak to thirty nine year old Paul Kyle, who told us the following, “It’s called a ‘white wedding’ for a reason,” he revealed. “There’s no way you can spend twelve hours boozing, eating, listening to mundane speeches and posing for hundreds of photos without having a bit rocket fuel up the hooter. Without a couple of grams of gear, I’d be on my back by three o clock. Getting on the yayo stops me getting too pissed, stops me going into a food coma, and stops me falling asleep listening to a best man trying to be funny.”

“Coke at weddings is essential” claimed twenty nine year old John Samuels. “Even though people don’t really speak about it; everybody knows it. How else am I meant to enjoy throwing a few shapes to shit tunes like Dancing Queen and Sex on Fire without being massively of my tits?”

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