According to the latest statistics, all music produced before 2005 is now considered old school.
Research carried out by DJ Mag, the world’s most “finger on the pulse” dance music publication, found that eighty percent of its readers had never even heard a track made before 2005 and considered them “weird, confusing and scary”.
“I, like, totally wasn’t sure what the hell I was listening to,” explained nineteen year old Chad Waldron from Memphis, Tennessee. “It sounded a little bit like the stuff I like to listen to but it didn’t have the big drops and sirens, it was kind of eerie and very atmospheric, like the music from a movie.”
“I sort of liked it but without the drops or one of my favourite DJs telling me when to put my hands in the air I didn’t really know how to dance to it or which bit to like the best, which I found really weird and pretty confusing,” continued Chad. “I was only six when that track came out so I guess that’s what old school music is all about.”
The track used in DJ Mag’s survey, Eric Prydz’s seminal 2004 hit Call On Me, is set to be used as the benchmark for categorising all future old school music.
“I was as surprised as anyone to hear Call On Me was being called old school,” claimed Van Helden earlier. “Especially when half the music these chumps nowaday are listening to totally rips it off, along with a lot of other tunes from that era, but I guess today’s kids just want the music spoon fed to them like Donald Trump feeding his own piss to gun toting hillbilly Republicans.”
Industry insiders are now claiming that producers who made music pre 2005 and are still active can now be considered “old school and new school”, which, from this day forward, will be simply known as school producers.