A new drug, made entirely from fermented apples, is sweeping the nation this summer – experts have warned.
The drug, known as “cider” or cidre if you’re Stella Artois, has been around for thousands of years, but is ordinarily only taken by people from Somerset, tramps and people with fashionable wheat intolerances. However experts have warned that consumption of the “delicious, fizzy drug” will dramatically spike in the summer heat.
Users typically enjoy the drug, which comes in a golden liquid form, splashed across ice cubes in a pint glass, preferably while sat at a picnic table on sunny days but have been known to drink it everywhere from inner city pubs to house parties.
“It’s a cyclical drug, in that it gains in popularity and peaks during the summer every year,” warned Drug Council spokesperson Raymond Doherty, “but then consumption will fall off towards the winter months when it’s drank while hot and spiced.”
Raymond continued by saying that the winter variety of the drug shouldn’t be of too much concern to the general public as only “hardened cider users will drink it during the colder months”.
Variations of the drug incorporating pears and strawberries have appeared in recent years, but police believe that they are of less worry to public safety because they’re usually drunk by “lightweights who can’t handle the real thing” or “people, mostly women, who have a childish liking for sickly sweet beverages”.
The effects of the drug, explained Mr. Doherty, range from “moderate refreshment, smacking your lips and saying ‘ahhhhhh’, drunkenness and “an overwhelming urge to take a photo of the pint of cider as it reflects sunlight and then posting the picture to social media with a caption that can be paraphrased as ‘can’t beat a cold cider on a sunny day.'”
Police have warned people to be aware of the various street names that cider has such as Bulmers in Ireland, or Magners for those in the UK, and have also said that there are especially potent batches that people should avoid at all costs including “White Lightning” and “Scrumpy”.
“If you do encounter someone under the influence of cider you are warned to cut off their supply of ice so that the drink is warm and less appealing,” concluded Mr. Doherty. “Or place their bottles or cans in direct sunlight to achieve the same effect, as most of the those who will partake of the drug in the summer months are doing so predominantly for its refreshment qualities and are not full blown cider addicts.”
