Ministry

New Burger King Pills Come With Chips & A Drink

A South London-based drug dealing cartel have announced a collaboration with restaurant chain Burger King that will see all Burger King pills sold in the South London area come with chips and a soft drink of your choice.

Local nightclubs have welcomed the move. Mike Hunt, a regular to local nightclub Ministry of Sound, stated: “I see skinny, run-down, pill-munching zombies chewing the jaw off themselves all the time. I see one every time I look in the mirror actually.”

“Not a pick of meat on their bones yet they’ve chewed more in the last 30 minutes than most chewing-gum models will in their whole lives.”

“And I always think ‘that lad needs to get himself down to Burger King and put that jaw to work. Everybody knows there is nothing better than slinging a load of yokes down your neck before skulling a bag of chips. Pure clubbing heaven!”

“I mean, think of all the poor kids around the world that would love to get that kind of use out of their jaw. Sitting on the floor in some poor third world country where you can’t even get pingers or a Burger King. I mean.. what the fuck kind of world do we live in? You may as well sell your jaw on eBay! Only they don’t even have eBay!”

Local drug dealer ‘Jon the Don’ claimed: “Yeah, Burger King approached us back in Q3 of 2016 about a possible collaboration.”

“Kids these days fucking love pills. But they’re drifting away from Burger King. McDonald’s they can eat until their fucking heads pop off, but Burger King are losing their market share, so they called us in. We’re the branding experts around here.”

“So anytime you order any of our limited edition Burger King garries you’ll get a medium chips and a drink.”

“Now, I don’t give a fuck about you or your life, and I don’t give a fuck about Burger King. So the chips will be cold and the drink will be mixed down with cheaper LIDL cola and the tears of my poor old mum, and they’ll be both be stuffed into the same baggie as your pills.”

“I’m only in this for the cash, the bitches and the free chips, plain and simple.”

“We’re doing a range of Funktion-One pills next month as well actually. The pills double up as a mini-Bluetooth speaker and if you play any shite music through them, they jump up, slap you across the face and tell you to cop the fuck on before walking out of the room to find somebody that deserves to swallow them.”

“Fucking technology eh?”

“Wanna chip?”

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