A young scratch DJ or “Turntablist” from Croydon in England has admitted that since losing his regular gig he has spent more time scratching his ass than his records.
The young man, who goes by the handle of DJ Dope, was fired from his regular gig about a year ago when he began to introduce scratching into his set at his local pub, The Cock and Ball. According to DJ Dope himself, he felt that playing Madonna and Tom Jones for drunk middle-aged bank officials wasn’t cutting it for him, and so he tried to diversify by “scratching the shit out of the old Madonna records”.
However, this experimentation lead to the young DJ being fired, and since then he has spent the vast majority of his time working out complex scratch patterns on his ass with some success. This constant practice on his own bumhole has lead to the creation of stunning new techniques which have amazed those who are in the know about current scratches.
Dj Dope’s new techniques include “the cut and stab”, which he says hurts quite a bit, “the twiddle” which he says requires more than one hand, and “the eight finger crab scratch”, which he says he caught from his ex-girlfriend.
“He’s like the DJ Qbert, except of ass scratching and with fingers that smell of anus,” said his mate, part time beat-boxer and full time gangsta, J-Mack. “He’s taken ass scratching to a whole new level. Or should I say, hole new level.”
DJ Dope has told us that himself and J-Mack plan to form a band and start doing gigs in their local pubs with a view to playing in the US someday. DJ Dope explained that his name would work better in the States, where “Dope” means “good”, not “idiot” like it does in his native Croydon.
J-Mack has claimed that this may be the reason for DJ Dope’s lack of success in his home town. “DJ Dope sounds like some idiot who doesn’t know what he’s doing, but let me tell you now. This guy is the best ass scratcher I’ve ever seen. He’s no idiot.”
J-Mack went on to say he was excited about the prospect of playing music with “Dope”, and said that as a novice beat-boxer, he will provide a backing beat for up to thirty seconds at a time during the live shows before sucking in a deep exhale and beat boxing for another 30 seconds ad infinitum.
