In a controversial move the government today announced an ambitious plan to provide septum replacement surgery for cocaine addicts who have eroded the soft tissue of their nose through years of drug abuse.
Former cocaine users who have suffered an eroded septum like Daniella Westbrook have welcomed the initiative claiming that it’s only right that the government foots the bill for cocaine users to have their septum fixed and people shouldn’t be getting their noses so out of joint about it”.
“Just because people have spent years slowly corroding their own bodies to get precious drugs into their noses doesn’t mean that they deserve to be permanently stigmatised for it,” claimed one commentator who says he regularly abuses cocaine through his nose like junkie scum. “I actually still have my septum but now that they’ve brought this in I won’t be as careful.”
The septums will be constructed from the ear cartilage of deaf babies and given to the drug addicts free of charge. “And if they burn through that one, the baby’s still got another ear to use, so it’s fine.”
I think it’s a disgrace,” moaned one man,” the money that these plonkers in Westminster are wasting on these junkie wasters should be treated helping real people with real problems out like lung cancer, cirrhosis of the liver and obesity.”
The initiative, tentatively dubbed Let’s Get Britain Snorting is set to come into effect in September with the procedure being offered first in the cities with the highest usage of cocaine before being rolled out across the nation.
