Nickelback To Release Dubstep Album

International harbingers of terrible music, clothes, hair and music again, Nickelback, are set to come out of semi-enforced retirement to make the album that no-one wants to hear.

Following in the footsteps of every American popstar of the last two years who has shamelessly appropriated the EDM buzz, Nickelback are set to release an album that lead singer, lion impersonator and professional hate figure, Chad Kroeger has described as “straight up proper London dubstep blud”.

“We’ll be sticking to the roots of the music that we spent all last weekend listening to,” offered Kroeger. “Hopefully then we can figure out a way to mimic the style while also making it pop enough to make us stupid money.”

“Just because a genre has already been bastardised into submission and irrelevancy doesn’t mean that it’s out of bounds for the Nickelback treatment.”

The album, which will be produced by Kroeger, is rumoured to be inspired by Nickelback’s increasing irrelevancy in an electronic music saturated commercial scene as well as the money that the band plans to make from selling Kroeger’s watered-down, disingenuous version of dubstep.

“I’ll be composing all the songs on guitar after listening to some obscure dubstep and then having an engineer transpose them onto whatever instruments are used to make dubstep before adding some build ups and drops to be accompanied by my overly earnest vocal posturings,” explained Kroeger who says he’ll also shave off one half of his blonde locks to fully commit to the American dubstep look. “Whatever helps sell the record.”

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The songs themselves are expected to be simplistic derivations of legitimate music created for the sole purpose of penetrating your innermost brain and sitting there festering like the bad smell from a dead rat trapped in a wall.

The album is expected for release some time in 2015 at which point the initial surge of acceptance for EDM in North America will have saturated the mainstream allowing bandwagon jumpers like Nickelback the prime opportunity to strike.