Former UKIP leader and Mr. Bean lookalike, Nigel Farage, has spent the morning frantically calling around his local nightclub’s lost and found to see if anyone has handed in his missing electoral seat.
Sources close to Farage claim that he has spent the last four hours wandering his mansion in a forgetful, hungover daze while calling popular nightspots in Thanet South offering a reward of a British bulldog terrier wrapped in a Union Jack biting a Muslim to anyone who finds the seat.
After what was described as “a mad night out on the tiles with the UKIP posse”, pretending to be working class, intimidating minorities and making crassly racist statements, Farage was said to have misplaced his phone, 20 Rothman’s and his electoral seat in one of the town’s nightspots.
“He’s not sure when he lost it,” confirmed Farage’s wife, the poor woman. “He was too busy pretending to look like he was enjoying pints of bitter – which he usually either empties into a nearby potted plant when the other party members are too busy comparing sovereign rings to notice or having his butler insert fingers into his mouth so that he throws them up when he gets back to his massive gaff.”
“Nigel’s not usually a forgetful person, except when it comes to willfully forgetting political and economic facts – so it’s unusual that he’s lost the seat in such a silly manner,” she continued. “Which makes me think that he must have become distracted during the sixth rendition of God Save The Queen and some immigrant’s probably come up and picked his pocket, probably right before serving him his food, driving his taxi home or treating any head injuries he deservedly gets.”
