Fans of burnished pop pricks, One Direction, were left crying like the mewling children they are after rumours of a split were confirmed when famed band splitter Yoko Ono was spotted leaving Harry Styles’s apartment this morning.
The 80-year-old visual artist and screaming mad woman, reportedly took an interest in Harry after meeting him in a New York museum when he was on a date out with his mum.
“The two hit it off almost instantly,” confirmed a source close to the pair. “Since then they’ve been inseparable, it got to the point where Harry was taking her to One Direction recording sessions, even asking her to write some tracks.”
“Which really pissed off the team of bearded middle aged men who already write all of his tracks,” continued the source. “Eventually it came to the point where it was between the background team who run One Direction like puppets or Yoko.”
“He chose Yoko,” added the source. “For reasons unbeknownst to anyone, like if anyone should split up your band then maybe Taylor Swift or one of his other exes who isn’t an 80-year-old mad as a brush lunatic.”
It is believed that Yoko is also responsible for Harry’s new look of straight long hair, circular glasses and heroin addiction.
“He’s been heard vehemently speaking out against war in a kind of broad naive way with a musical Liverpudlian accent,” claimed one source. “There’s rumours of him and Yoko working on an album of Syrian folk songs together that apparently will stop the refugee crisis just by playing it.”
Fans of One Direction were said to be devastated by the revelations that Harry is to leave the band, with most expressing shock that is was over Yoko Ono.
“Her?” asked one, while another 13-year-old girl managed to curb her crying for a minute to pull her hair out in protest and then Instagram it to the One Direction fan club with the caption “You made me do this”.
It is believed that One Direction will officially announce their split later today before performing a downtempo and sombre rooftop concert which will only feature 20 minutes of choreographed dance moves, 800 pounds of pyrotechnics and one helicopter flyby.
“It’s just so sad to see it end the way it did, they were the biggest band in the world, bigger than Boyzone with a musical legacy that would even rival the great Michael Bolton,” concluded the visibly upset Directioner.
